I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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