dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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