Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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