I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
