ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize