Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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