There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he told me I talked like a deaf person
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
