I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
