I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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