I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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