Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
