Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
