from now on my penis is your penis
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
