matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
