So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
