if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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