A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
