Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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