he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
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