That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
