I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
