i permit you to call me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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