Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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