i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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