u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There r osticjed everywhere
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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