Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
