He passed out mid-signature
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
