I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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