thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
