Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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