I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
