I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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