If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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