I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
