I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
