i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I am available for nakedness
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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