Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
