u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize