I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Farmville is her only friend.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize