Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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