she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
