Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You ate ashes out of my bong
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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