If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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