I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
