yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
