i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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