I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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