barbara walters just said penis...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
