Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
