i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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