Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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