Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Randomize
