You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize