Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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