Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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