I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
