The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
