I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
