Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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