He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
