1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
