If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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