I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
