I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
