last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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