I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
